I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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