I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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