I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Boobs speak an international language.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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