I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
