I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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