Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
