In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
