your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
