Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
