You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
