So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
