And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
