True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
