the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
