I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
