we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
