it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
