I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
