my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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