but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
