just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
