I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
where am i from again
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
