these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Randomize
