I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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