no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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