gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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