Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
