Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I could make wine with my vomit
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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