he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
