The maid of honor just puked.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
