ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
