i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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