Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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