i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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