Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
