just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
