rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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