I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
