her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She told me I should be a condom model.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
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I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
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He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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