I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
