Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
