i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
