Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
as a side note pls kill me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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