Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
