A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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