If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
