I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
