i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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