If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't turn off my feet"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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