I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
