apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
