i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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