Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
