you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
