I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
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Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
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If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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