Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
