The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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