i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
