Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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